And Another Thing

Smile, life isn't so bad after all

2010-06-23T03:42:00.000-07:00

TRAFFIC jams, unavoidable tax rises, wasps and the media’s ongoing infatuation with Cheryl Cole. All of them pale into insignificance with the subject of this week’s rant: rants themselves.

The problem is, people are always ready to give something a kicking when the opportunity comes up; it’s one of our quaint British traditions, like trains that don’t run on time or mediocre songs from reality TV shows clogging up the Christmas charts. But there’s still plenty of reason to turn those frowns upside down!

For starters, we seem to be starting the nicest summer since the mid-90s, with genuinely hot weather to bask in. It’s not that summers were better when you were a child, it’s just that you spend the really sunny days indoors, at a desk. We should all start a Champion-backed campaign to be allowed to work al fresco.

We’ve got plenty of glorious open spaces to enjoy it too, which is another reason to be cheerful. Even if you don’t like the wave of tourists who seem to wash up on the beaches there’s plenty of places which remind us just how great it is to live in these parts of the world; if you’ve ever stood atop Parbold Hill in West Lancashire on a still summer’s evening, you’ll know what I mean.

I love waking up to the sound of lawnmowers gently whirring across back gardens and the smell of barbecues being held just because their optimistic hosts can, and after what feels like an eternity of rain and dark nights it’s something we should all go out and enjoy. Even the doctors say it; a little sunshine is actually good for us.

And another thing - the World Cup has arrived. I know some people absolutely hate football but it’s good to see everybody joining forces behind something - anything - in the friendly fervour of their local pub, and having a laugh about it afterwards. But don’t get me started on the sunny prospect of England actually winning for a change.

I don’t deny the ranters and the moaners have often got genuinely annoying items to get angry about, but can’t we take a break and just enjoy ourselves for once? As Noel Gallagher once said - step outside, summertime’s in bloom. Don’t look back in anger when it’s gone.

Prisons just aren't what they used to be

2010-06-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

EVERY so often the subject of offenders being imprisoned is raised.

We are subjected to the usual barrage of well meaning voices telling us that prison is not a deterrent and serves no useful purpose and that many convicted robbers, muggers, drug dealers and men of violence will almost certainly re-offend after leaving prison.

There is much talk of rehabilitation, but despite all the best efforts of the liberal minded do-gooders we see little, if any, change.

Sometimes we hear stories that prison is quite a comfortable place to be - with TV (although this in itself could be called punishment) computers, mobile phones, recreation facilities, libraries, education classes, and all too often, the availability of drugs. No wonder the re-offending rate is high.

Far too much time, effort and taxpayers money is spent on convicted criminals.
But surely we are missing the point here. There is another aspect to having an offender locked away.

Once ‘inside’ society in general gains a well deserved respite, and law abiding citizens can go about their business feeling safer. A neighbourhood once terrorised by teenage gangs have the right to live their lives in peace and not be fearful of their cars being vandalised or windows broken and to be free from physical and verbal abuse.

In days gone by, and certainly in other countries, a more austere regime was, and still is, embraced. Surely prison should be a deterrent. Take away all the home comforts and make prison a place where criminals will think twice about, before returning to their old ways.

Then we will get the hand wringing ‘human rights’ brigade, loud in their condemnation of such a change. But if a person chooses to break the law then he/she forgoes all ‘rights.’

We all have choices.

From a very early age, the majority of us learn right from wrong and sometimes a persons home life and upbringing is offered as an excuse for their criminal activities, but if that person chooses to break the law, then he/she must take the consequences.

TV stars are lots of things, but they definitely aren't fantastic

2010-06-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

I AM dismayed that the current rash of young TV 'personalities' all seem to be from the same school of learning, where only a smattering of English is taught.

Similar words are used over and over again. Mediocre celebrities are often described as 'fabulous'. 'Gorgeous' is another word associated with young females, when just one look tells a different story.

'Fantastic' and 'amazing' are words so often used to describe a singer whose rendition would benefit from serious voice training, and may only receive a ripple of applause from the local pub karaoke.

'Astonishing' is used to describe an event which merits little more than a passing glance. All these words are stock in trade for the 'celebrity' judging panels. The viewer can always rely on an explosion of 'fantastic' and 'amazing' and very little else, certainly nothing much of any substance.
Celebrity chefs attract the usual stock in trade words to describe their creative dishes.

Other words associated with these ubiquitous programmes apart from 'delicious' and 'now that's something else' - what, in the name of sanity, is that supposed to meant. And another thing - staying with television, some advertisements which stretch credibility to its limit, include cleaning products.

Are we gullible enough to believe that a woman faced with a heavily stained item of clothing is joined sudddenly by an uninvited, unexpected female (who pops up like a fairy godmother). A trick last seen when Aladdin rubbed his magic lamp. This particular Genie is wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with a named product. The stained item is then lowered into a tank which contains the magic poweder and 'presto' - the stain is gone.

Another trick is to squirt an advertised brand onto cookers, floors, hand basins and tiles and 'lo' the item is then shown in pristine condition. Does every product include a magic wand or a cleaning fairy.

The spirit of Tommy Cooper please note. And don't get me started on the never ending sofa sales...

Extra charges are tipping us over the edge

2010-05-26T03:48:00.000-07:00

THERE seems to be an ever increasing conspiracy afoot by some businesses, to extract more money from the long suffering public for doing very little to justify it.

I refer of course, to the ever increasing number of extra charges we are expected to accept. Some examples are - Registration Fees - Enrolment Fees - Booking Fees - Charge for using a credit card - Call out Charges - and the unpalatable practice of adding 15% or 20% ‘service charge’ to the bill at some restaurants, (regardless of the quality of service) and I am sure you can think of others.

As far as call out charges are concerned, if a tradesman (I can think of a plumber, locksmith or an alarm engineer) is called out at the night, then a charge would certainly be appropriate. But to impose a call out charge during normal working hours is just taking the mick.

We often see advertisements in the local paper from tradesmen or computer ‘fixers’ that end with ‘no call out charge’. This is announced as if an exceptional service or discount is being offered. So many services are conducted in our own homes and yet some people feel an extra charge should be added to a job that can only be done in the home.

I believe that an individual or organisation should be glad of our business, and in the present climate, falling over themselves to improve and compete, without these additional charges.

Tips are another thing I am less than happy about. Why are we expected to tip for a service for which we have already paid? If we are driven from point A to point B by taxi or hire car then we are charged the going rate. Of course if the driver helps with shopping or suitcases, then a tip is discretionary and may be deserved.

The person who brings (sometimes overpriced) food to the table in a restaurant often expects to be tipped.

The person who attends to my hair will expect some sort of gratuity for personal attention, and this may be right. Although I may have already paid top dollar for this.

Then there’s banks... don’t get me started.

I'll happily give to charity, but not when you tell me to

2010-05-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

I’M not one for having a go at charities but sometimes they really do take the biscuit.

Not the charity itself, you understand, but some of the collectors who represent them. They are obviously extremely decent people who are trying to do their bit for whatever cause they represent and should be applauded accordingly.

What gets my goat is the way some collectors thrust their tin can or bucket in front of your nose, wave it around annoyingly and expect you to part with some dosh. When you don't, some caustic comment is passed like "...at least we got a smile" or "...well have a nice day anyway."

Fact is, mate, a) I don't like people waving things in front of my nose when I'm going about my daily business. b) I can't stand snidy little comments being made just because someone thrusting a bucket up my nose hasn't got a couple of bob off me. For one thing, I may well have given to that particular charity at another time or I may not even want to give to that charity - my choice. And I shouldn't be condemned for it.

Similarly, when collections are made in the workplace, be it for this Day, that Day or some other Day, just because I don't give, doesn't mean to say I am a miserly, miserable so and so who couldn't care less about breast cancer, earthquake victims or kids in India with cleft palates!

Fact is I do care. I care very much. But I just don't see why I should be made to go on a guilt trip because somebody wants to hold a collection and I don't want to take part. It's a form of emotional blackmail and for all they know, I give to the charities but in my own way, in my own time and of my own volition.

Breast cancer is a perfect example. I don't wear something pink when someone at work takes it upon themselves to make it Wear it Pink Day. I quietly refuse. 'Miserable git,' I sense them saying. But, fact is, I'm not a miserable git. Unknown to them, I happen to give every year to breast cancer because I know someone close who had it. And besides, I'm a blokey bloke - I don't do pink!

The point is I give in my own way and in my own time, not the way others tell me.

Yes, we do need collections but for those people who turn the other cheek when the can rattles in our faces or a bucket is waved under our noses, give us a break. We do care - in our own way.

Riding into the sunset...on a cramped train

2010-05-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

THE silence and the piercing stares between strangers shooting daggers at one another were like a scene you’d see from any bad Western.

Only this wasn’t a Spaghetti Western, this was Wigan North Western, and the region’s cowboys and Indians had just one thing on their minds. A seat on the 14:28 service to Birmingham New Street.

I know the volcanic eruption in Iceland means that most air passengers are letting the train take the strain when the nation’s airspace gets closed, but it highlighted a nightmare problem with getting between many of Britain’s biggest cities. The trains just ain’t big enough!

You really need A Fistful of Dollars to get your seat perched anywhere on a Virgin or CrossCountry Voyager because - despite all the statistics showing that the number of rail users has gone up - the powers that be have replaced all the old rolling stock with SMALLER trains. On a busy rush hour service this isn’t just annoying.

It’s madness.

If I’d wanted to pay £38 to stand up for a little short of two hours surrounded by the sweaty bodies of people I’ve never met before, I would’ve paid to go and see any of the better bands from Manchester and have a few drinks while I’m at it. Breathing recirculated air from a vestibule somewhere south of Warrington does not a fun afternoon make.

Whisper it softly but part of the reason Virgin Trains was forced to give up its Cross Country services was because the trains simply aren’t big enough, and the new operator’s solution is to bring back the thirty year old Intercity trains, simply because they have more space. On the newer trains it doesn’t matter whether you’re
The Good, The Bad or The Ugly - you’ll still have to stand up.

I know it’ll cost millions of pounds to sort out, but we’re already paying a healthy ransom to travel by train.

I don’t care who won the election. I just want my seat back.

I'll be relieved to see the end of this problem

2010-05-05T08:14:00.001-07:00

THE inadequate and unequal provision of public toilet facilities for women is a disgrace.

Every man in this country can rest assured that whenever he needs to use a toilet away from home, relief will be readily available to him. How very different for women who know that whenever they need to use a public toilet they will probably be forced into joining a long, embarrassing and humiliating queue.

The practice of compelling women to queue endlessly for what is surely the most basic of human rights is not just because women take longer or go to the toilet to do their hair and make up. It is simply because women are almost always provided with fewer or less adequate toilet facilities than men. This even applies when the provider relies almost exclusively on the female population to keep them in business.

One of the worst culprits in this area is the Southport Flower Show. Despite relying heavily on female patronage and despite the fact that women are paying the same entrance fee as men they are treated unfairly!

On entering the grounds, women are greeted with the unwelcome sight of a staggeringly long toilet queue. Many of these women have travelled a considerable distance to support the flower show.

Where toilet provision for women is concerned we seem to be stuck in the Victorian era, and I think it’s time we moved onto the 21st century. The constant worry of being unable to gain quick and uneasy access to a toilet causes a great deal of stress, both physically and psychologically. There is no logic or practical reason for this abuse, the only reason is discrimination.

The unsatisfactory situation, despite affecting over half the population, is not taken seriously.

The birdies izz dying

2010-04-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

‘SPRING is sprung, the grass is rizz, I wonder where the birdies izz?’

Yes, it’s that time of year once again, when the birds do their thing – laying eggs and bringing up babies. It is a dangerous time for the fledglings. The big killer is our over population of domestic cats.

After cats, the worst enemies for fledglings are do-gooding humans who will pluck up every fluttering baby bird they find on the ground, assuming the little bundle of squawking feathers has been abandoned. No, they are not abandoned and the fact that you may have watched the baby continually all day and not seen its mother, doesn’t mean it’s been abandoned and not been fed.

Believe me, the little critter wouldn’t be still alive after all that time without some grub.

“But it can’t fly...”, you may plead. Oh, well spotted. When fledglings leave the nest they can’t usually fly. But they can flutter and climb. Mamma bird scatters her babies around the garden on purpose, so if Mr Tom Cat find one of them, he won’t get all the rest at the same time. Cunning little blighters, these birds. Sneaky and cunning.

“But it’s on the ground and a cat will get it,” you may cry.

Okay. Let’s look at it this way: If you leave the bird in your garden a cat might kill it. But it might not. Instead, mama or papa bird may get it to safety and feed it so it grows up to be a nice big bird that will eventually fly and fend for itself.

But if you pick it up and try to look after it, it will probably die. If you give to someone who has experience with wild birds it will still probably die but with them instead of you. Why? We humans are rubbish at raising baby birds but their mamas and papas are brilliant at it. Leave the job to the real experts – they can do it a whole lot better than us.

So, this is your Springtime lesson, folks: If you find a baby bird, leave it alone! Let nature take its course one way or another. You get on with your life and let the birds get on with theirs.

But if you really want to give our baby feathered friends a leg up, keep your cats indoors. Better still don’t get a cat in the first place because if you want to know “where the birdies izz” you can bet your bottom dollar the answer will probably be: “Inside the cat.”

Starting Easter this early is no eggsellant idea

2010-04-07T02:08:00.000-07:00

WELL, that’s Easter out of the way.

Being well organised is one thing, but does anyone really need to stock up on Easter eggs months in advance?

Shops and supermarkets barely give you time to let your Christmas dinner go down these days before they load the choccy eggs onto the shelves, and for what reason.

Do they assume we’re all too scatty to remember to buy them in time unless we’ve had them shoved under our noses every time we go shopping for weeks on end.

Either way, it seems the retailers are always left with, ahem, egg on their faces, as we barely even reached the Easter festivities when already the prices were being slashed - half price here, three for two there.

They’re hardly in short supply either, as for days after the Easter weekend is over shops are hard pushed to get rid of the things.

But it’s not just Easter that’s being dragged out. It’s virtually every annual occasion. Christmas starts at around September, and while you’re splashing the cash on stocking fillers you’re expected to think about what to buy for loved ones for Valentines’ Day because apparently the middle of February is around the corner!

Oh, and heaven forbid nobody tells us about Mother’s Day and Father’s Day without a few months notice. I know this makes me sound like a scrooge, but really I’m far from it.

I love an occasion as much as the next person, but I can’t help thinking card shops and gift shops are using annual celebrations to keep a special seasonal shelf filled all year round, even when there’s nothing really to fill it with.

These premature displays of seasonal decorations, treats and such are in danger of turning annual celebrations into hurdles you just can’t wait to get over.
They should be whetting our appetites closer to the event, not dampening our spirits.

Football bores can drive you to Gazzas (tears)

2010-03-31T01:42:00.000-07:00

FOOTBALL. We play it, we watch it, we call it beautiful and we pay lots of money for it. Now we speak it as well.

I know I’m going to get a pasting for saying it, but football has developed far beyond banter and has become a language in its own right, with far too many otherwise interesting people being able to speak solidly for minutes on end in coded terms about the beautiful game. It’s boring me to Gazzas (tears).

How can so many people devote such obsessive levels of interest to a single subject? If I were to give you seven minutes of intense conversation about mobile phones, the next election, Strictly Come Dancing or insurance comparison websites - all good and current subjects, remember - your eyes would glaze over within 30 seconds. But we’re talking football, so it’s Liverpool FC (fine by me).

I have no idea who the characters in Eastenders or Coronation Street are - and I don’t care either - but I know exactly who Gerrard, Rooney, Benitez and Mourinho are, because I’m forced to hear about them every day. It’s like your children endlessly reeling off information about The Tweenies, only the children are much older and actually able to buy all the merchandise.

One of the worst weekends I’ve ever had was having a mate force me to watch an Everton game and pummelling me with information about each and every player. He wasn’t talking to me, he was talking at me, and he didn’t care whether I found it mind-numbingly dull or not.

I don’t hate football, but I do find the mass of people who feel the need to rabbit on about it all the time Cristiano Ronaldo (extremely annoying), and even if you’re not one of them you’re still expected to know all the players’ vital statistics. It’s as if train spotting has been made mandatory for the entire population.

Go forth, enjoy football, follow your team with pride and talk about it with your mates down the pub. But - and I’m asking really nicely, to all you defiant football fanatics out there - please don’t be boring about it.

Sorry everyone, but I’m dreading South Africa already.

Dog muck - it's a foul affair

2010-03-24T03:07:00.000-07:00

Dog muck - I'm sick of seeing it everywhere.

It's on our streets, on our pavements, on our grass verges, on our playing fields... it's everywhere and nobody is doing anything about it.

Yet we are supposed to have laws and bylaws threatening irresponsible dog owners with fines and naming and shaming if they are caught in the act, so to speak.

What a laugh!

My advice is don't issue ultimatums unless you are prepared to carry them out. Because at present these 'threats' are worthless. You only have to look around your feet when out walking to see that.

It's not the dogs that are disgusting, it's the owners. How can they just let their dogs foul in public and not clean up after them. These filthy dog owners give responsible dog owners a bad name and it seems to be the owners of smaller dogs who are most to blame.

Is it because they think just a little whoopsies can be left lying around and no-one will mind or are they just thick, ignorant people who really couldn't care less about messing up the environment.

Why do they not clean up after them? It's so easy to buy a box of 100 poop bags (for £1!) and do the right thing - scoop it up. To those guilty scoundrels, just think how much better you'll feel that you've not left a mess behind for people to step all over. Or are you just not bothered.

The other guilty parties in this mess are surely local councils and the councillors who talk tough on the issue and do nothing. Fed-up residents ring to complain but what happens? Nothing. Do you ever see anyone walking around neighbourhoods to catch the offenders? No. All we
ever see is the odd little notice tied to a lamppost with a bit of string.

So when the clowns who are supposed to represent us come calling for your vote ask them why do they allow this situation to go on.

But, remember, it's not the dogs who do it that are disgusting - it's the people who let them.

Backseat driving me up the wall

2010-03-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

I was happy to see the 17 new modernised Arriva buses parade from Liverpool to Southport this week but slightly gutted when I found out that they hadn’t sectioned off and soundproofed the backseats.

After the morning rush for work - leaving the house with a burnt piece of toast and your tie undone, it should be a nice pleasant journey through to Southport with the sun glinting through the window, but what you get is a much different story.

Can someone please tell the 16-year-old WAG-to-be that always sits behind me talking on the phone first thing in the morning that;

A: I don’t want to know the ins and outs of the arguments between her and her mother

B: Saying ‘like’ after every third word in a sentence grits on everyone around her (seriously you can hear the tuts) - and -

C: Playing dance music aloud on your phone is inconsiderate - you can get headphones in Poundland and if I wanted to hear a bunch of repetitive electronic bleeps I would put my foot through my neighbours car windscreen.

Also how strange is it that people go out of their way not to sit next to someone else on buses.

I watched a grandma yesterday not a day younger than 80, hobble her arthritis-ridden legs to the back of the bus just to find an unoccupied seat.

Honestly what could they be scared of? Sex offenders? Thieves? - I don't think so, these new buses have 6 cunningly hidden cameras (try to spot them!)

Supermarkets and petrol stations just don't mix

2010-03-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

FISH and chips, Lennon and McCartney, Wallace and Gromit - some things are just meant to go together.But who thought blending supermarkets with filling stations was a good idea?

As pairings go putting the petrol pumps in the same place as pies and pineapples is a spectacularly stupid one, and it's driving motorists mad.

Every time you pull into one of these places - and given how common they are, it's not going to be long before you do - you're pulled into a plethora of parked cars belonging to people more interested in picking up the latest copy of Heat magazine than purchasing ten litres of unleaded. Shoppers who spend ten minutes apiece distracted by pictures of Cheryl Cole, completely oblivious to the way their car is parked in such a way as to block off as many pumps as possible. The same people, I reckon, who religiously watch Live From Studio Five.

Giving the easily distracted access to the Sugababes whenever they stop to fill up is only going to encourage them to spend an absolute eternity umming and ahhing while everyone else sits in their cars, unable to get to the pumps in the first place.

If you haven't given up entirely and eventually get to the pump you spent twenty minutes queuing for, you're confronted with the same struggle all over again when you head inside to pay.

You've only put a tenner's worth into the tank and rightly believe stumping up should be a quick and painless process, but the single cashier is tied up selling the shopper in front of you, who's forgotten their credit card. It's infuriating.What the people behind blending shops with filling stations need to do is introduce tills just for those who buy things at petrol stations; petrol, diesel, cigarettes and Curly Wurly bars.

It'd free us from waiting for those too stupid at shop at normal supermarkets.The car in front is a Toyota. But because the petrol station is now a supermarket, it's been there for ages.